Looming walls stare down at me from every direction, immense, dark, unmoving, how did I end up here? I keep finding myself coming up against blocks in my writing because I continue to circle back to this feeling that I have to figure it all out before the pen hits the page, my fingers hit the keyboard.
Imposter syndrome is such a funny thing, it really has me convinced that absolutely anyone could do anything better than me. The feeling comes and goes, I’ll have days were I think I have a chance and I can see clearly that I’m sitting in a diy construct of my own making. Almost everyone you talk to about Imposter syndrome says the best way to break out of it is to realize, really let it sink in, that literally no one has any idea what they’re doing. No fucking clue.
We’re all just on a path, from birth to death. Even the people who have themselves convinced that they know what they’re doing, they really most likely do not.
So how do I take the knowledge that it’s not just me feeling like a headless chicken and internalize it in such a way that I can make the moves into discomfort in order to grow? This is my question of the day I guess, I can began by saying I’m obviously not totally sure or I wouldn’t be attempting to process it through writing. I’d just be writing.
When I start to feel like I’m doing everything wrong, my sneaky little friend anxiety pops up and tells me the only way to fix anything is to stay put, and stay hidden.
A balance between gentleness in my own process, and recognition of the absolute necessity of moving forward to avoid remaining stagnant, is very hard to find. I’m searching, craving, a time where I can explore my Imposter syndrome and move through it, posting the writing I want instead of freezing, or sharing the post. I guess that’s a big reason for writing how I am right now, even if no one ends up reading my words, I’ll know that I took the leap, and that is enough right now.
There are so many people who can break through the bricks and chains that keep us stuck, moving through the mud despite the discomfort, to reap the benefits of growing in pain.
We all do this in so many different ways I guess. Even in my head, when I feel like I’m in the category of people who always sit in the mud, or don’t even step into it, my thinking is distorted. Yes, I’m sure in those moments I’m listing countless examples in my head of times in the past where I missed out on something because of my own fear. A bit of an inaccurate representation given that I have walked through many moments of discomfort. Known and unknown, conscious and unconscious.
Sometimes I think my problem might be that I take it all too seriously. I’m so convinced everyone else is frolicking their day very sure of their path, that I’m forgetting to focus on my own frolicking. Forgetting to focus on curating the path built on what makes my heart happy and full, not what I think might tickle a reader or get me a job.
I can talk at length and write for hours on my inability to take the leap, which just keeps me in this silly cycle. I’m posting this to move just a bit further through the mud, loosen one of the chains. If we’re all feeling like this, why can’t we talk about it more? It helps me to know that so many other people feel the same way, and do great things despite their fears and walls, maybe even because of them sometimes.